25. Back In 1978: A Myth



Back In 1978: A Myth

Bob Komives
::
Exclusive Report on the Minnehaha Conclave

As the 1980 elections approach I can't believe that I am the first to break the seal of secrecy over the events of Halloween, 1978 -the last days before the last national election. I hope that by revealing what happened that night I can save others the tragic disillusionment from which I am now almost recovered.

There were so many conservative Republican candidates,conservative Democratic candidates,
and "don't-tread-on-me" independent candidates trying to get elected and dismantle the government that I decided to seize the opportunity.

I awoke in a sweat. I was trying to get over a nightmare about having a secure government job to turn to if all else failed. It was then I decided to put out a call to a secret conclave.

I jotted down some brief but detailed instructions, telegraphed them to the politically astute friends we have left in the wake of our peregrinations across the country, and took off to make preparations at the conclave site.

Taking a hint from the College of Cardinals, I ordered up a ton of Ritz crackers and a thousand bottles of mineral water. These would serve as our only sustenance until the conclave had done its thing.

Then it began. While kids across the country were home getting sick over candy they had been collecting all evening, while voters who had taken one night off from eagerly attending political rallies were relishing the tricks they had played on the little pests in their neighborhood, while all this was happening, the disguised candidates began arriving in procession to my conclave -each with one lighted candle in hand and an attaché case filled with extras.

Anti-government candidates are to-a-man and to-a-woman punctual. Thus it was, that by 11:33 p.m. central standard time, in the freezing cold confines of the narrow canyon formed by Minnehaha Falls in Minneapolis, 315 conclavers were assembled. Like choir boys in down parkas and Lone-Ranger-type Halloween masks, they were ready to go to work.

I took 27 minutes for my opening remarks. In sum, I told them of the inevitable victory of their cause. It would soon be within the power of this esteemed group to create a utopian country that had neither government nor bureaucrats. The people of the country were speaking. These 315 men and women were the best listeners.

Only two necessary elements for the ultimate victory
were missing.

One missing element was their own combined conviction that the holy mission on which each had individually embarked could be accomplished if the conclavers were willing to march as one in a crusade. "Are you ready for the crusade?" I whispered emphatically. My question was answered by four minutes of delirious shouting, embracing, hand shaking, and the chant: Hit'em again, hit'em again, harder! harder!

After joyfully raising my arms to restore calm, I told them that the second element missing was a simple program for implementation. It could be a simple program, because all that is necessary is to ease the bureaucrats out of their offices and let private enterprise bid on the vacant facilities. A few other details in the program needed to be worked out, but it could all be planned by sunrise -in time for everyone to get back to the campaign.

After all, the program wasn't so terribly necessary in itself. We would just have to be ready with good information and public relations to head off the self-serving attacks that would be organized by the old guard and the socialists.

It was now midnight. The conclave set about its task.

Each of twelve sub-conclaves, whose members were chosen by lot, was to produce one paragraph for our program and one for our proclamation.

I passed out Ritz crackers and fielded general questions from the various sub-conclaves.
...

"Hey, our group decided to keep our armed forces and the police. Otherwise, anarchists and communists would run roughshod over us. Is that all right?"
"Sure, but figure out how to administer them without bureaucrats."

"We're not sure whether Greyhound, Brinks, or General Motors is capable of taking over the street and highway system. Does anyone have any ideas? ... O.K. We'll keep working on it."

"Some of us westerners were wondering if it would be possible to rewrite some of the history books our kids are forced to read in school. That bit about the government dividing up land, giving it to our grandfathers, and building water projects, and subsidizing our production doesn't sound too good for our cause."
"Don't worry. Group 7 is doing away with the schools. You'll be able to keep your kids at home and teach them what you want."

"We're a little worried about the possibilities of revolution if we eliminate all of the health, welfare and civil rights programs at once. Do you think it's all right to increase the army a little to keep everyone in check, or to phase programs out slowly so no demagogue can come along and incite riots?"
"Hmmm, well I'm afraid that if we did the latter, our own supporters would call us the Wishy Washy Conclave, rather than the Minnehaha Conclave."

"Hey, if anyone objects to having a cell in the basement of each home to handle convicted criminals on a rotating basis let us know. That's the way we are thinking."

The Ritz crackers were consumed by two o'clock. The questions ceased by 2:30. The rumble-rumble of their voices put me to sleep.

I awoke with the first rays of sunrise to find the whole conclave standing over me. They looked tired. They also looked a little discouraged. Yet, many seemed ready to burst into a smile. Then, one of my southern conclavers drawled,
"He'ah it is."

I was puzzled. The piece of paper he gave me in the dim light was clearly a page torn from a book. He and each of the other conclavers patted me on the back as they filed up and out of the little canyon. Each said something to me like:
"We did it," or, "That's just the first dozen lines, but you can fill in the rest."

I began to get the idea. When I glanced down at the page I was given my suspicions were confirmed. The light was now just bright enough for me to read the small printed words:
"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice ..."

The next thing I remember is my wife reviving me in a pleasant cell at a Minneapolis police station.They had called her in from Colorado. This Halloween goblin, who appeared to be her husband, had been found skipping merrily through Minnehaha Park singing,
Kinky Commie Copouts!
Kinky Commie Copouts!
Kinky Commie Copouts! ...
Back In 1978


:: Bob Komives, Fort Collins © 2006 :: Plum Local IV :: 25. Back In 1978: A Myth ::
With attribution these words may be freely shared, but permission
is required if quoted in an item for sale or rent

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